


I Can't

by accidentalrambler



Series: And We Let It Burn [7]
Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: ACOWAR, Angst, F/M, Mates, Nessian - Freeform, Nesta POV, SPOILERS for whose who haven't read acowar, bc it wouldn't let me go, but y'all who read know how it ends, it was pretty much one of those things I HAD to write, nessian drabbles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-31 02:53:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10890171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accidentalrambler/pseuds/accidentalrambler
Summary: Nesta’s and Cassian’s scene with King of Hybern, written from Nesta’s POV."Hybern would not take anything else away from her. Anyone else.And Cassian? He was hers."* spoilers if you haven't read acowar! *





	I Can't

**Author's Note:**

> Characters and plot belong to SJM and most of the dialogue was taken directly from acowar but the rest is my own ;)
> 
> As I was reading this scene, which had me in tears btw, I couldn't stop thinking what was going through Nesta's mind. This is the product of those thoughts. Hope you like :)

 

She welcomed the rage like a good old friend.

Sharp sounds of steel clashing with steel joined the cacophony of the battlefield and Nesta could hear them reverberating in her head, could taste the metal on her tongue - could feel the cold surface of the blade, chilling her to the bones.

A cruel trick of light had made it seem as if there was still some life lingering in the depths of her father’s eyes. Nesta could not stand it. Kneeling before him, she closed them slowly, marvelled at how warm his skin still was, so warm against her own. Leaning forward, she pressed a kiss to her father’s brow, greedy for more of that warmth – anything to fill the void inside her.

How come she felt so hollow, even with that rage burning so violently deep under the surface? It felt like a part of her – like the air she breathed into her lungs, like the blood that ran through her veins.

But there something more running through her veins now. Had been for some time.

Nesta felt it tug at her insides, breaking her out of that moment, at the same time a low growl of pain cut through the air. Her breath hitched and the tugging turned into a roiling wave of anger, wrenching her muscles to move and her spine to snap straight.

_Cassian_.

Hybern would not take anything else away from her. _Anyone_ else.

And Cassian? He was hers.

Nesta had felt something when she’d been bandaging his hand after the battle. A sense of familiarity that had already been there for months, simmering underneath her skin, mixed with confusion and rage and...fear, but in that moment, when her hand touched Cassian’s hand, she sensed it with more clarity than ever before. It didn’t snap into place - quickly and suddenly like it was described in those Fae books Nesta had been devouring in the House of Wind. No, it was like a breath of fresh air, it was like coming home after a long tiring day, a clear blue sky after the storm. So peaceful when she felt anything but around him.

They had been sitting there, skin to skin, and then Mor came by and Cassian pulled _back_ , just as she wanted to take a step ahead, a step towards him.

She had spent the night pacing in her tent, trying to summon her rage to overcome that serene sense of belonging.

It hadn’t worked then.

But now, with her father dead and Cassian only few feet away, fighting for his life - for _their_ lives - peace was the last thing Nesta felt. Getting to her feet, the air around her sizzling with power, she sought him with her eyes.

Cassian’s scream echoed through the battlefield and she sensed something violent prickling at her fingertips, shudders rolling off her in waves as she took in his wings, bloody and broken in places, and the bone that poked out of his thigh.

His siphons were dull. Empty.

He had come here with her, knowing he had no power left, no means to fight off the King but the raw strength and agility of his muscles and bones.

He had come. For her.

And now, watching Cassian struggling to rise, seeing his tendons strain and his muscles give out, Nesta tucked his name and the sound of his scream safely in the deep dark corner of her mind, summoning the weapon _she_ wielded best.

“Stop,” she said quietly, her words inflamed with rage.

The king’s eyes snapped to her. Cassian mouthed for her to run.

What a fool. Running away...running from him had never been an option.

Nesta focused her gaze on the blood dripping from that powerful Illyrian body. The ground shattered under her feet as she took one step ahead. Cassian’s eyes met hers and she let herself feel his pain, let it thrum in her body, let it fuel her wrath. She angled her head, calculating, imagining all the ways she would make the king bleed like he’d made _him_ bleed. “I am going to kill you.”

“Really?” he lifted a brow in amused disbelief. Said something more that she couldn’t hear over the blood rushing to her head.

She _would_ kill him. Or at the very least, she would get him away from Cassian.

Her fingers curled, magic stirring under her skin in anticipation. She was almost ready. Her mind frantically going over every single word Amren spoke to her, while her body had a mind of its own, growing taut, ready to pounce.

The king snorted, his foot crashing another bone in Cassian’s wing. And another scream from him was all it took.

Her heart pounded against her chest.

_Mate. My mate. He’s my mate._ It beat and beat and beat.

She allowed herself to feel the string of that bond tugging at her insides. But it was not a string.

It was a key to the cage.

All that power and all that rage - free and reckless and rough - it exploded in a vicious uncontrollable snarl of magic, burning the trees and the soldiers on its path to ashes.

But it was not enough. The king winnowed away.

Nesta didn’t want hundreds of lives. She only _craved_ that one.

The king laughed and hatred purred in her veins in response. Every inch of her longed to come over to Cassian and touch his skin. Feel his heartbeat thump under her palm. But it would make a storm inside of her fade away and at this moment, she needed to be the storm.

Curling her fingers again, she tried to summon it once again and -

Nothing.

There was nothing left. Blood chilled in her veins as she realized she had spent it all in one miscalculated blow.

“Go.” She heard Cassian’s raspy plea and she felt herself crumpling inside, her hands shaking as she watched him crawl towards her.

Crawling just like he had done that day, as the king noticed in a mocking tone. And it _did_ seem so familiar. Except...

Cassian couldn’t have saved her that day. But she _would_ save him now.

Save him or -

She made up her mind.

Her eyes set on Cassian’s body, Nesta rushed to him and snatched the Illyrian blade out of his leathers, willing herself to get away from him as fast as possible, even if every instinct in her was urging her to stay by his side. Ignoring his attempts at stopping her, she lifted the sword.

Silent and waiting.

A low lazy chuckle left the king’s mouth as he raised his own blade. “Shall I see what the Illyrians taught you?”

And then, before she could even blink, he was upon her.

Jumping back, Nesta brought her sword to his, a plan already forming in her head as she felt the power flickering faintly at her fingertips.

The king attacked and she leaned back and then dodged his blow again.

She could not win this with a sword. But she could take another step back. Another step away. Away from the Illyrian warrior who was once again trying to crawl towards her.

And then -

The king let out a resigned sigh, as if she’d disappointed him after all, and had her disarmed in a matter of seconds. In another, he landed a blow to her face. But Nesta welcomed it as he towered over her, the flickers of magic growing stronger as she fed them with her anger.

She heard Cassian scream her name - felt his rage too and let it roll under her fingertips as well, waiting for the king to get closer.

“Well? What else do you have?” He mused.

_I’ll show you what I have._

Focusing on the energy cursing in her body like Amren had taught her, Nesta threw out a hand and slammed all the power she had left into the king’s chest.

She heard the trees snapping but didn’t pause to look - she had already lurched to her feet and made her way across the clearing, wobbling and shaking until she got to Cassian. “Get up,” she sobbed, clutching his shoulder. “Get up,” she said again, her heart sinking as she watched his failed attempts.

Bile rose in her throat and she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t -

Why was it so hard to breathe?

Why was he so damn heavy?

_The oversized bat_ , she thought and sobbed harder as she hooked her fingers into his bloodied armor, trying to raise him herself.

Trying and failing.

“You’re too heavy,” Nesta choked out. “I can’t - he’s coming - “

“Go,” Cassian groaned but it only made her grit her teeth in frustration.

_Foolish man_.

She went on to haul him up again, a shiver crawling up her spine in dreadful awareness of being watched, of being stalked like a prey.

The king was immobilized no more.

Cassian let out another painful growl after she pulled too hard. “Go!”

But she _couldn’t_. She needed to get him out. She needed more time. Just a little more time...

“I can’t,” she breathed and the words rang clear, void of hesitation. Unbent. Her body twisted and muscles shattered under his weight and it felt as if she’d been drowning in the Cauldron all over again, grasping for air and fighting the water flooding her lungs.

“I can’t,” she whispered. “I can’t.”

_I can’t let you go. I can’t. I won’t._

Nesta felt something warm on her cheeks - his bloodied hands cupping her face. Cassian’s shaking voice filled her ears and reverberated in her chest, until it was all she could hear, the battle, the king, the pain - all forgotten.

“I have no regrets in my life, but this,” he said, his thumbs stroking her skin. “That we did not have time. That I did not have time with you, Nesta.”

_I can’t. I can’t let you go. I won’t let you go._

But no words were good enough, holy enough for this moment. So when Cassian bent towards her and she felt his mouth ghost over hers, she didn’t pull back nor did she push forward. She just allowed herself to linger in that moment, to savour the feel of his raw chapped lips against hers - to let it fill that hollow place inside of her.

“I will find you again in the next world—the next life. And we will have that time. I promise,” he said, brushing away the tear that fell down her face, his touch a warm trail on her cold skin.

Nesta could feel the king’s power but it was like a faint buzz of insects on a hot summer day. The time seemed to stop. There was only Cassian, and her, and his skin touching her skin.

Maybe nothing could hurt them as they lied on that clearing, together and wrapped in each other.

Nesta almost snorted at herself for entertaining such idiotic thoughts. That deadly power was closing in on them and there was nothing left to do.

Lifting her head an inch, she looked up at the king. She thought of her sisters as she stared into those cold callous eyes. She thought of Feyre painting the stars on her drawer. Flowers for Elain.

And flames of fire for her.

She fixed her gaze on Cassian again. There were no more tears on her face as she leaned over him and covered his body with hers.

His breath warmed the side of her neck. His hand rested on her back - leisurely, _casually_ \- as if they had all the time in the world.

_I can’t. I can’t let you go. I won’t let you go -_ a breath she let out into his hair.

There were no more tears and no more king and no more death on that battlefield.

Only them.

Finally, Nesta could feel Cassian’s heartbeat under her palm.

_I won’t let you go anywhere without me._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you thought, it's be appreciated :)


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